33: Stronger

I leave at least a half hour early from work every day. Shame on me. But it's so addicting. Why be there of no one needs me doing anything? What a waste of time. This is why the govt. is in debt (well, maybe not).

3 times today, all after 7 o'clock. That that don't kill me can only make me stronger. If not in body, then in mind.

Break is almost halfway over. I feel like going back to school would be more of a break than this is. I'm too tired to write any more.

32: Boss D.J.

I made a little coin purse with "Boss DJ" on it. Hella cute.

I want to learn to transverse with the sounds of everything eloquently, and to support my reasoning and justification of myself with that force, invisible as music, but positive as sound.* So that the poetry of beauty and pain and humor and anger all fly to me, knowing, and I can interpret and use it for translation. But I guess thats simply put as, I want to know and understand everything, and let's face it...

3 or 4 times today because none were very well-planned or well-executed, and because I won't be able to for a few days. My jeans are fitting damn well though.

Things would be much easier to say upon my microphone like a boss d.j. but I won't walk up upon the sea like it was dry land. Someday, hopefully.

Disneyland tomorrow!

*Emily Dickinson poem; don't remember which one.
"Boss D.J.", by Sublime

31: Ex-Factor

I did nothing today. At least I made money doing nothing. I also bought shoes that I shouldn't have bought. I buy too much for myself this time of year. I'm so selfish sometimes. And too opportunistic. I'm too damn opportunistic this time of year. And the rest of the year too, actually.

Once today. I had a salad at lunch and was freaking out about it all day. Weird.
No one has hurt me more than you.

Has anyone supposed it lucky to be born? I self-deprecate and push and pull my being to a certain contortion and paint my face and aim to portray this mannerism. Does this seem ridiculous that I would waste time to appear this way and to forget to recognize the meaning and the miracle of my existence? I am not always so vigilant of my own principles and I get swept with the trash blown by the wind along the street. Serves me.

Disneyland in a few days!

"Ex-Factor" by Lauryn Hill, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. "Song of Myself", Walt Whitman.

30: The Spark

And so it begins. I'm here in my city, and I'm in love with it. I feel the waves of airy velleities and revelations consume my toes, my hips, my shoulders, my soul, my ears, and my mind, and the fabric it weaves is thick burgundy and gold. So rich.

Twice today, but the second time, I tried to stop, but I didn't. A little scary, I guess. But I can do it so fast now, why the hell not?

My God, it's Christmas. I never feel like I'm enjoying it as much as I should be.

Only a week till Disneyland!

"The Spark" by The Roots, from the album Things Fall Apart.

29: Also, Searchers

It's almost break; thank God. One more test till I go home. Random: I need to learn to be happy by myself before I can be happy with someone else. Well, really do I? Who says that? Is it so wrong to believe that other people can complete you?

I am a soft-determinist. I believe that people's actions are influenced both by happenings in the world and by my own free will. This should mean that I cannot make myself happy, at least not all the time. My feelings are causally determined sometimes, and sometimes are by my own self-created situations. I'm not depressed or anything, but maybe this explains why people are depressed, epistemically. If one, to be happy, must be content by both their own definition, and the universe, through causally determined situations that influence one's motives and therefore actions, then the only way to be truly happy, by my definition (because I am a soft-determinist) would be to be happy within oneself and happy in the state of the world, or at least until the world changes my motives, and by effect, my actions based on free will.

"Faith is but a firm assertion of the mind." -John Locke
I am a religious person, but if I think about this not in terms of God-faith, this is a powerful quote. I can believe something if I truly do believe it, and I will truly believe it if I fully commit my mind to think so. How many things can this apply to? It's infinitesimal.

Three times. It's just so easy.

*Title from "The Christmas Story" by Dave Matthews

28: Moody

More and more I sit in bed and think that I am melancholy. I don't want to think I'm sad, because I'm not. I'm actually very happy here. Maybe I'm just lonely. It is the holidays.

I don't miss you, but I miss those pretty little works of your lexicon. I love those poets of their own body. I am their weakness, and they are mine.

Twice today, to make up for yesterday.

5 days till I see the love of my life again. I love you, San Francisco.

I really need to study. Fuck. Final tomorrow.

"Moody" by Dave Brubeck, Young Lions and Old Tigers

27: Baby, It's Cold Outside

Why can I never say what I mean to? I should have said whatever to him, and now I am kicking myself because I just stood there.

Once today, but much much better. I'm getting good at this.

It's fucking COLD in this room.

I want to just wrap myself up in this sustainable sadness because it certainly calms me down; why shouldn't it keep me warm as well?