19: Saw Red

I should have walked away.

It makes no sense at all. I think I'm going to have a bit of a regression. It's the worst feeling in the world to feel like you're not enough.

18: Giant Steps

I am so confused.

Do I believe my friends or him? 3 separate attempts at defamation vs. an oblivious potential. I've never been one for rumors or acting on them, but 3 with in 2 days? I wonder what else will come of it. I can't sleep. Should I walk away?

17: Scarlet Begonias

I don't know where I've been, but I've been trying to soak it all in. So far, all I know is I know almost nothing for sure. I know I am solid and sound, to me the converging objects of the universe perpetually flow, all are written to me, and I must get what the writing means.* I feel it all going through me; passing nonchalantly through my ears and brushing by my temple, and yet, little stays within. I know that I am not nothing; that this world holds me gripped in my observations, and because I observe and think, I am something, and I am real but there are days that I wake up and feel like I'm dreaming all day. Maybe I was dreaming. Was last week a dream? Maybe I'll stay asleep a little longer.

I know that I don't know when to walk away and when to stay. But, once in awhile you get shown in the light in the strangest of places, if you look at it right,** and it makes everything harder.

Of course I'm into the blues.


* "Song of Myself". Walt Whitman, 1855.
** "Scarlet Begonias" Sublime. 1992, 1996. (Cover of the song by Grateful Dead)

16: The Lesson

I applied for a job today at a record store. It would be one step closer to the goal. I don't understand why anyone wastes their life doing what they hate...

Fate
I don't believe in free will, but I'm not sure if I believe in fate either. People who believe in free will are a bit naive though, when they don't consider what seems obvious to me. Maybe the choices that you feel are "free will" are actually just choices that you are meant to make. Why not? Maybe fate is inevitable, but also, maybe the human hope for freedom is too.

I feel like the only times I am truly happy are when I'm sitting at a piano all alone and belting the only songs I know how to play. I got so much pride, I got so much soul. But when I leave that room, I forget who I am.

15: Flow

Answering the question, to where the hell am I gonna find bliss
My soul’s music is timeless
Keep it close to your heart; it’s hard to define this
A pint is not enough liquid courage to go ‘round
So when I draw from this universe I put it into the sound
Would have been lost but found myself in the process

I need to figure out what I want to do. I would die before I work a desk job for my career. Life is short enough, and I'll be miserable enough with the shit the government and news agencies and Ann Coulter wants you to be afraid of. I will not spend the majority of my day wondering what I could have done instead, and wondering when I'll be done. I love music so much that I want to immerse myself in it for my career. But with better pay than a struggling musician. So I guess, interships then. I'll focus my universe into the sound.

I'm going to stop drinking so much. Fucking "liquid courage" is right.

What if consciousness were dreaming and dreaming was reality? Would we all get what we want or would we interfere with each other's happiness?

I wish that my life could be as simple as the flow. It goes in one direction always. There's different branches, but it doesn't decide for itself. The water has no free will. Sometimes I wish fate were so; that I wouldn't have to consider the options. Maybe that is fate in itself.