13: Never Take Friendship Personal

I'm starting to realize how much of an idiot I was during Christmas Break. I legitimately screwed up a few relationships. Or did I? I definitely screwed up one. And I'm most sorry for that, but some I didn't expect. I had a 6 month long first impression of one of my best guy friends, and as it turns out, it would be more constructive for me to talk to a neighborhood squirrel about my problems, because even that has better focus than he does. Now I just feel stupid for how much effort I put into that relationship. I offered him a place to stay next year if he's stuck without a house and have always been overly generous to him. I FOR SURE don't want a relationship with him or even like him like that at all, but it's always been easier to connect with guys for me because they don't carry the bullshit most girls do. I just realized that everytime he calls me or "wants to hang out" he wants something from me. Fuck that.

I pierced the nape of my neck. How stupid am I?

I want nothing more than to look back on my life and think that I had so much fun and was stupid, impulsive, and irrational at some point in my life. It was worth it. Even though I passed out and seized a couple times.

I met a guy last weekend. He definitely made me think he was interested beyond that night. He kissed me and didn't even try the wandering hand shit! Not only that, but he asked for my number like an hour before that. People will never cease to surprise and dissapoint me. I'm starting to get sick of being alone.

12: Don't Mean A Thing

That last one was pretty cocky. I'm cocky when I'm drunk.

Life is a fluid statement, so loosely based on individualistically interpreted morals and behaviors. My sentence structure can go anywhere at all that it wants. My words define my life. How easy it is to ruin all my relationships with anyone by my words alone. My sentences are fluid, spontaneous, and intricately constructed. As are my relationships.

My life is a jazz song. My voice is the trumpet solo, trying to be heard. My conscience is the walking bassline. Love is the beat, and the trombone glissando is my depression and happiness, building and falling.

I love jazz, but I never knew why. I love the fact that it mirrors my life and life in general. It's so unpredictable.

11: Show Me What You Got Little Lady

Alright.
Possibly i could've written that last one in a drunken state.

Anyway...I made a mistake. Well,a few. I get carried away...more or less...with my kissing. I don't mean to lead people on, but you know, it happens.

I wear my heart on my sleeve; and above all else I mean what I say. I don't mean for people to get carried away with me, because I don't mean shit by it.

I can't just sit here and give a piece of my heart away to everyone thagt walks by for me. It's foolish. I'd live my life of regrets. I love my life right now, and it'll be hard to walk away from one day, but eventually I'll have to. I'm happy to say that when I do it'll be worth it. I love my friends now...they'v already changed my life, but it happens that I'll have to get past it. Roll past. I can't wait.

I always feel like I'm waiting for something. You know what?

The saddest part is that I'm waiting for something.

And I know exactly what, I just don't admit it.



I'm waiting for my break; I just won't say it out loud.


And to everyone who doubts, i say,
"You haven''t heard me sing...it's cute that you have no idea."


How cocky is that?

I'm sorry. I'll sleep now.

10: Who's Ridin Dirty?

Whoa. So I'd really like to know who wrote the last post.
Someone hacked? High five to them; well done. They should have been a bit more creative though.

At first I thought maybe I was just really drunk when I posted it and I just don't remember, but that is too weird. I'm in lust? Who talks like that? If whoever found it is a friend of mine, how did you find it?

9: Ridin Dirty

Yeah, I'm not gonna lie: I'm in lust. I'm in lust with a few guys: I won't name names. Yeah, Smack that, or whatever. Id like whatev. I'm whatev right now. Reflective, if anything...I'm fuckin pissed off at my friends. Like NOW.

8: I'm Better Than That

Friends aren't guys who call you at 12 am looking for ass. Especially the ones who would brag to their friends later about how easy it was. Fuck that. Don't tell me you love me and try to give me a hug. I'm not taking your shit. I know you better than that. I will not be that girl. I'm not as stupid as your other girls.

I'm getting so sick of these fake friends.

It's time to start over, and let go.

7: Thieves In The Night

Finally the weekend is approaching. It took too long. My Jazz Styles class will be great though. I'm excited.

I'm not so introspective today. It's probably because I don't want to scratch the surface any more. I think I'll just lie here in the sun.

Our morals are out of place and got our lives full of sorrow
And so tomorrow comin later than usual
Waitin on someone to pity us
While we findin beauty in the hideous

"Thieves in The Night"
-Mos Def and Talib Kweli, Black Star

6: Love Ain't Nothin But Emotion And Game

suburbs.

he intrigues me
slowly, but
so much to do today
without the light in my soul
draw your lines
because I’m lost
I’m out in the suburbs,
and I’m lost
all of my days
in the neighborhood
so much for simple
so much for easy
so much
it reminds me of you
pause. nothing.
there’s so much to do today.
a lot to do.
and an existential reason
behind every chore.



i miss you.


june 2006

It seems like I was so young. I hope I know much more now.

5: Things Fall Apart

Being broken also brings the ability to see the wreckage in others. I guess it's a way to use each other for support, but it is still a depressing ability. I was picking up his pieces, as he was mine. It's so much easier to clean up shattered glass that you didn't knock over yourself.

I want to live where the sun comes up. I live too much for the end of the day reflections and regrets, and not for the optimism of morning. But I suppose it makes me a better person.

I hate that I spill my guts without fail everytime I drink. Last night I talked about my eating disorder and my romantic life. Dumb ass. I don't know really what to say the next day. It's better that I don't.

4: How Fragile We Are; We Just Don't Show It

I love San Francisco, tragically, because no matter how lost I feel, I am never aimless, like the people that walk and sleep on those streets. I can't imagine being without direction in my life; never having something to hold onto...it's unreal. Nevertheless, that city makes my heart heavy. It's quite possible that I've never loved anything more in my life. Something so accepting and rich like San Francisco makes all individual people seem incomplete and shallow. There's so much beauty in everything. So liberal. I love it.

My heart is the worst kind of enemy. It is what it is, even when I don't understand it. It's impossible to compare a love for a place to love for people. Or is it? You take comfort in each, take pride in each, and grow attachment towards each. But, the city is always there for you; it's dependable. Your favorite bench is always there. You'll never be lost on the same streets you walk every day. People change; they're unpredictable. My love for the city is as constant as the city's being.

I saw him at the soccer game yesterday. It was all I could do to not go up to him and apologize yet again for being so stupid. What else can he really do but let time wait me out?

In the story of Narcissus, he falls in love with his own reflection in a lake. Narcissus gives all his love to this lake, but the lake cannot return his love; it only politely mirrors what he wants to see, until the lake waits out Narcissus and he dies. Meanwhile, an estranged Echo, a nymph, cries over losing Narcissus; what she never had. Mike called a lot today, and the city reminded me of many things.

How I love my city.

3: I'm Thinking I'd Prefer Not To Be Rescued

2 am January 3rd
I'm writing this while I'm kind of inebriated, because i think it shows you a little bit of how I really am. Love is a curious thing. Even when you know the one you love but aren't with won't find out, you still feel that hooking up with someone will be a sort of revenge on him; something to make him jealous. It's sad but true. If not for my time barrier, I would've hooked up with an Englishman last night/this morning. Pretty cute, funny, and hot accent. We'll just see what happens with that "pile of sex". Hahahaha.

11 am January 3rd
It's important to pride oneself on being respectable. Despite the things I think and say, I do believe that, and I generally follow that principle. On the other hand, I have firmly decided against going out with Mike. It's not him at all. He's a great guy and a good respectable guy. Maybe he just came at a bad time. If you can't support yourself, you're not ready to support anyone else; and I can't support much right now. In a way, I guess I'm still looking for myself also, but every day I find a new piece of me, and throw an old piece of me away.

I took this personality test earlier called the Rorschach Personality Test (pretty sure). It gives you a color personality. Basically it tells me I am a Yellow Personality externally, and a White Personality internally. Surprise. The White basically means that I am incapable of making decisions, and am ambivalent to things. The Yellow says I "like to party" and I am generally pretty enthusiastic and happy...on the outside.

It is now January 4th, but I'll continue January 3rd's post.

1:45 am January 4th:
I went to a get-together that was kinda far away, and, naturally, I missed my boys. I guess its ok to say that, because almost every party they have been to, they have come with me or were invited by me. The inviter always says, "You should bring your boys. Theyr'e pretty cool". Sometimes they make me mad, but at the end of the day, I love them. Anyway, my ex that I am attached to is in that group. This creates problems. So the other guys wanted to hang out, but first had to drop off my ex, but by then it was 1:30 and i knew the rest of them were drunk and would inevitably hit on me anyway, like usual. It's hard not to love acceptance.

I have 2 days left in the Bay.

2: This Must Be It, Welcome To The New Year

I don't think I ever learn from my mistakes; I'm always making the same ones.

There's this guy who really likes me. He's such a sweet guy and so nice, and he's good friends with my best friend. But, and there's always a but, I don't think I want a relationship. At least one with someone here. I guess I'll have to wait till I go back to school, but even then, finding a prospective boyfriend in college is like winning the lottery. I'm too picky.

I had an epiphany today. I don't believe in love. I believe in attachment. That's why women's hearts get shattered, and men's dented. Men don't get attached very easily. Months ago that I decided I wouldn't get attached anymore; that I wouldn't trust anyone anymore. It's just safer. I've learned to build a shell around myself so I don't get hurt. If you don't take anything as yours, you have nothing to lose. You only live for yourself and and you only have yourself to depend on.

The last time I cried was about a month after my last ex and I broke up. I got involved with a different ex one night when I believed I was still in love with the the other. When it was over I went to my best friends house. It was about 4 am. I walked in, sat down on the bed, and without saying anything, I started crying.

I don't cry over anything anymore.

1: That's Just The Way It Is

I'm not going to start with a history of myself, because that's lame and doesn't really tell you anything about anyone. Let's be honest, you don't even really care where I've been or who I am, nor do I feel like typing a life story.

All you need to know, is that I am in love.

The first day we were together, I knew he was different. I knew I would fall for him. We got too close too fast. Intimacy is such a funny thing, really. The closer you get physically to each other, the less your emotions matter. Needless to say, I lost him, and I can't tell you how often my world falls down on me.

I had convinced him otherwise; that I had no feelings for him. But naturally, after a bit of gin, the truth is obvious. He came on to me. We made out in a few rooms, and everyone else at the party knew it. A couple days later, New Years Eve, which was last night, I kissed him. Something in my inebriated head said it was a good idea.

He's moved on, and he's not interested. And here I am, straight out of a Pablo Neruda poem, looking at him from the outside. He wants to meet new girls, and I'm in the way of that. God, I don't think I could take seeing him with other girls. My stomach hurts.

It would be useless to sing my heart into your ears. You would hear no melody.
You would not sing it back to me.
So I'll sit here, practicing the song I could never sing to you,
and trying to forget why I wrote it.

I wish I had the chance to lose him again.